Wednesday, September 1, 2010

The Pickled Penis

There was this lady and she really wanted to have sex, but she was to scared to ask her husband so she went to a jipsy and told her her problem.

The jipsy rummaged around in a chest and pulled out a pickle jar with a penis in it, and said "All you have to do is open the jar and say 'Pickle penis my vigina' and it will start having sex with you".

So later she tries out the pickle penis and it works great. That is until her husband walks in and he shouts "WHAT THE HELL IS THAT" and the woman says "It's a pickled penis"

Unfortunately her husband replied "PICKLE PENIS MY ASS" 
Why I Love Her

A guy is sitting in a bar with his friends bitching about going home to his wife.

His friends ask him why he doesn't want to go home to such a fine looking woman and he replies...

"Well, the problem is that she has Gonnorrhea"

So what say the friends, flip her over.

"Well, she also has diarrhea" the guy says.

"Yuck, but what about her mouth." The friends chime in.

"Halitosis" the man says.

"Damn, Why would you stay with her?" The friends say.

"Well," the guy replies "She also has worms, and you guys know how I like to fish." 
Three Guys Share A Bed

Three guys had to spend the night at a hotel and share a double bed.

In the morning, the guy on the right said "I had this great dream last night, that a girl gave me a handjob"

The guy on the left replied "That's weird so did I"

Finally, the guy in the middle said "Lucky for you guys...I only dream't I was skiing"
Where Babies Come From

One afternoon a little girl excitedly approached her mother, and announced that she had learned where babies come from at school that day. Amused, her mother replied, "Really, sweetie? Why don't you tell me all about it?"

The little girl explained, "Well... OK... the mommy and daddy take off all of their clothes, and the daddy's thing sort of stands up, and the mommy puts it in her mouth, and then it sort of explodes, and that's where babies come from."

Her mom shook her head, leaned over to meet her eye to eye, and said, "Oh, honey, that's sweet, but that's not where babies come from. That's where jewelry comes from."
A blonde girl and a condom

A man was having sex with his girlfriend and when he was done he threw his used condom out the window.

His girlfriend said she wanted to go again but he didn't have another condom, so he went outside too get the old one.

A dumb blonde was holding it. He said, "Can i have that back."

She said "What this twinkie?"

He said "Ummm yea sure the twinkie."

She said "20 dollars."

So he gave her the money and the blonde gave back the condom and went home.

The blonde's friend asked where did she got the $20 from?

She said, "I sold some guy a twinkie but I ripped him off. I sucked all the cream filling out it before i gave it back."

Monday, August 30, 2010

Donna and the bath room window

It was hotter that normal today and my neighbors son, Joe, a junior at the local high school and I were out working in the backyard when Donna got home. She came around to the backyard wearing a blue denim zip down the front dress that dangled just above the knee. She was in a great mood so I new the day had gone well. She gave me a hug and said hello to Joe. She chatted for a moment and said she was going in to get a drink and take a long hot bath. I invited her to slip out of the dress and help us. She laughed and looked at Joe and said, “You would like that wouldn’t ya.” I looked at her and said that I was sure we both would as I reached up and grabbed the loop on the zipper and started down with it. She stepped back and the zipper came down to her navel before she could stop moving. Suddenly we were looking at cleavage and a black bra with frilly lace. Wow! Joe looked and said nothing. I laughed and stood there for a slight second waiting for a curse word or two but just got a look from her and a, “did you enjoy that!” I reached for her again but she moved behind Joe trying to get the zipper up. I reached around Joe and got a hold of her arm and Joe was trying to get away from between us.

As she got a hold of the loop I pulled her arm down and the zipper came with it. Now it was completely unzipped and open from top to bottom. Her black panties were now in view and Joe was watching yet not watching as we played a game in front of him. I was trying not to let her cover up and she was trying to cover up. I finally let her go and she headed for the house holding the dress together with us laughing in the back ground. As she got to the back door she turned around and flashed us one last time before she entered the house. I looked at Joe and said, “Didn’t think you would see all that today did ya.” No Sir!

It was starting to get dark so I was going to let Joe go and we could finish up the next day. As we gathered tools, I saw the bath room light come on and got an idea. I motioned for Joe to get the end of the picnic table and help me move it under the bath room window. We sat it down and then I stepped up on it. I looked through the window and saw that Donna was standing there in her bra and panties. I motioned for Joe to step up and I took his hand and stood him where he could see Donna. She was standing in front of the mirror removing her makeup. Suddenly a hand went behind her and her bra just fell off. It amazes me how fast they can do that. She let it go to the floor and there she was standing there fully and totally topless for me and Joe. Her reflection in the mirror was damn near perfect! As she moved her arms those tits would move back and forth. I was eating it up. I asked Joe if he could see ok and all I got was a big gulp! Young boys like titty’s as much as us older guys.

I was now registering a hard on and new that Joe had to be doing the same.
Donna raised her hands up to put her hair in a pony tail and we had a great profile of her breast from a side angle as well as the image in the mirror. I thought Joe would fall off the table when she did that move. The bath water was running and I could see the suds building. She would soon slip into the water and out of our sight due to the suds. She fixed her hair and slipped down her panties. There it was, right before us, her black pussy hair all nicely trimmed and ready for us. I asked Joe if he could see her and again he moaned and said yes. Can you see the hair, yes again. Nice stuff huh? Very nice.
She turned and stepped toward the bathtub. Then she reached back to the sink and retrieved a glass of wine and sat it down on the side of the tub. Her ass was in full view and I had to make an adjustment to my hard dick. My heart was beating out of my chest. I love to watch men on the street and everywhere we go look at Donna with lustful eyes, now here I have a minor watching her bathe. What could be better?!!!
She slipped into the tub and we lost sight of everything. I looked at Joe and then hit him in the arm. Did ya like that? She is awesome. I told him to stay there while I went in and offered to wash her body.

I went in the house and stepped into the bath room with another glass of wine. Wine really relaxes Donna, a couple of glasses and she is putty in your hands. I sat down on the side of the tub and talked to her. I knew Joe was watching so I sat in a way that he had good visual access to what ever I did. I reached down and caressed her breast with both hands moving the suds away so he could see her nipples. I slid my hands down to her pussy and revealed it once more. The hair floated in the water and I massaged it. I opened her legs and ran my hand up and down and across her pelvic area. I slipped my middle finger in the slit and then into the hole. She raised her torso up at that time giving herself more pressure and pleasure at the same time. My bone was hard again. I reached over and unzipped my pants and let the penis breathe.

Donna reached out and took it in her hand and stroked it back and forth. She had finished her glass of wine and started on the second one. The hot water and the wine was having an effect on her. She closed her eyes and lay back and moaned. I moved the suds again and gave Joe visual contact with everything. I got up and went back outside to see what his reaction was. He was starring through the window and when I stepped out to him I scarred him to death. I told him that the wine and hot water were putting her to sleep. I went back in and Donna had downed the other glass and was passed out. I released the drain and let the water out of the tub. She still had soap on her so I took the shower head down and turned on the water and began to rinse her off. There was all the good stuff again, right before our eyes.

I looked up at the window and motioned for Joe to come in. I saw his head shake. I motioned again and he disappeared from view. I went back outside and told him to come in side because she was passed out due to the wine and hot water. He reluctantly came in and I told him I needed him to help me get her out of the tub and into the bed. He said “no way”. I told him it would be alright because she was out. We walked into the bathroom and Donna was breathing heavy. I assured him she was totally at sleep. I stepped up to her head and motioned for him to step down to her feet. I put my foot over on the top side of the tub next to the wall and bent down and gently lifted her head and shoulders up. Joe would not take his eyes off her eyes. He just knew she would wake up and see him and panic. I told him to grasp her ankles and we would lift her out of the tub and walk her to the bed. He bent down and was starring at the patch of hair between her legs. I said the ankles man.

He refocused and reached down and got a hold of her and I slipped my hands under her arms and lifted her up grasping both breast in the process. Donna let out a moan and Joe froze and focused on her eyes again. I stepped away from the tub and Joe held her legs as we started toward the bed.
I laid her down and Joe moved her legs toward the middle of the bed. He couldn’t make up his mind which part of her wanted to look at. He finally realized she was indeed asleep and full of wine. I went to the closet and got a towel and tossed it to Joe and told him to dry her off. He looked at me with a “What?” look and I motioned for him to do it. I stood back as he dabbed the towel around her body. I reached down and opened her legs and said to pat that dry also. He gently rubbed her twat all the time looking straight into her eyes.

She was breathing but looked lifeless. I stepped over to the bed and tweeked a nipple. I told him to do the same. He stepped back. I told him it was alright and took his hand and placed it on her chest. Now rub them Joe. He slowly touched the nipples and when she didn’t wake up he rubbed some more. I told him he could touch her pussy as well. He looked at it and then put his hand on it. I told him to massage it and feel what happens. I was erect just watching him fondle my wife. I opened her legs and arched them so he could see a pussy live and up close. I reached down and took his finger and placed it in the slit. I said feel that. Yeah, it’s wet. Now slide your finger down some more and you will feel a hole. He did and I told him to slip his finger in it. He slipped inside her and pulled out. Do it and again, in and out, in and out. Donna made a noise and raised her pelvic bone upward. Joe withdrew his hand and stood up to run. I stopped him and put his hand and finger back in her. Just rub it and finger it. He was doing it like a pro after a little coaching. Donna moved again but it was movement from the pleasure she was getting.

I unzipped my pants and displayed a hard on that caught Joe by surprise. I moved Donna’s head to a position where I could place my dick in her mouth. I stuck it in and moved her head back and forth with it going in and out. I told Joe he needed to do this. I could hear the wetness of her slit as his fingers went in and out and up and down. I asked him if he would like to fuck my wife. Those same words came out of his mouth, No way! Come on Joe, you might not get this chance again. No, I can’t do that. I told him not to be embarrassed to just do it. My dick was out and I was ready to plunge it in her if he wouldn’t. I stepped aside and opened her legs wide exposing the hole. I told him he owed it to himself to poke her. I said I know you are hard, just whip it out and stick it in. He looked at me and then at Donna and his hand went to his zipper and out came his tool. He stepped up and pointed the rod at the hole and I held her legs up and gave him a straight channel to get into it. I heard Donna moan again but this time it was going to be cause she had a penis in her. He went in and took the position like he had done it before.

A moment later he was coming and some cum went in and a lot came all over her stomach. He got so excited he came out and just shot everywhere. Good Joe, Good Joe, mess her up. Show her who’s boos in this bed. Then he was through. He focused on her eyes again and slowly repelled off the back of the bed. He wiped his dick off on the sheets and put it back in his pants. He stood there looking at her but didn’t say anything. Donna just lay there on her back with her tummy glistening from his cum.
I told him he did well and asked him if he would come back in the morning to help finish the yard. I led him toward the back door and told him to have a good evening. I watched as he went to the gate and closed it behind him and I wondered what he was thinking. I went to the fridge and got another bottle of wine and went back to the bed room. Donna was already in the shower cleaning up. I got in with her and we smiled at each other. I told her she would one day make a great actress and job well done. We went back to bed and this time I got to take her.
Found Mom On The Internet

I stumbled onto an Internet site that features nude pictures of wives and girlfriends. After a very long look around the free area I spotted several pictures of my mother. It had to be her, it looked just like her, and to top it off the pictures had been taken in her bedroom. There was a picture of me on her nightstand. Her sign-in name was Sexy34inNY.

I copied all ten of her pictures to my hard drive and then I made a back up copy to hide. I thought about letting her know that I knew but instead I just left a comment. I praised her beauty and asked her to post more pictures. Then I told her that I would to love to see her holding her pussy lips open.

Three days later there were more pictures of her posted and she had her pussy wide open with lots of pink showing. There was a shinny tool holding her open even more, so that the camera could see deep inside her. The pictures were crystal clear and quite remarkable, I wondered who had taken them. I left another comment that she was my dream girl and that I would love to meet her someday for sex, then I told her that I lived in New York too. I gave her my anonymous email address and asked her for some outdoor pictures.

A few days later I found a dozen high quality pictures waiting for me in my in basket. Mom posed fully naked in front of bushes, behind flowers, and squatted down in a garden of tulips. Each picture looked suitable for framing. I recognized that backyard. It belonged to my Aunt Christine, Mom’s sister…that explains it.

The accompanying note asked me if I could come for a visit and possibly spend the night. I replied that I didn’t drive.

Within an hour she asked me if she could come to my place and spend the night. She said that sending me pictures made her awfully horny. I decided to tell her that I was just a kid. I did not get an immediate reply.

At bedtime I found a message asking me my age, I replied that I was fourteen and went to bed.

In the morning a new message said that she had a son my age and that he made her pussy wet every time that he touched her, gave her a hug, or kissed her goodnight or goodbye. She said that if I were her own son that she would have fucked me a year ago. Then she invited me once again to spend the night in bed with her if I could arrange it, even if she had to come to me and rent a motel room. She signed it, desperate.

I went down to breakfast and kissed Mom good morning, I made sure to touch her as often as I could, and then I gave her a nice hug and a kiss before I went to school. I thought all day long about what to do about Mom. Finally after school I sent her an email requesting some pictures with her and her son together and for her to be flashing her tits or pussy in the background if possible.

When Mom came home from work she told me that we were invited over to Aunt Christine’s house for dinner. I was to look nice and comb my hair. Mom had on a pretty but simple dress that tied around the waist. Dinner was nice then Uncle Bob took his kids to the playground leaving me behind. Aunt Christine said that she wanted to take some family pictures of Mom and me. I went right along with it, knowing that I would be getting copies soon. In all of the pictures Mom was behind me. I stood, I sat, and I squatted down. I always faced forward and smiled at Aunt Christine. After several pictures of Mom behind me Aunt Christine finally had her stand next to me with my arm around her waist, then she had Mom sit in my lap like a little girl, and then we kissed. In fact we kisses about a dozen times until Aunt Christine was happy with one of them. Next she asked Mom if we could get a little risqu?Mom asked how risqu?to which Aunt Christine told her to just go along with it.

The first risqu?icture was of Mom and I kissing very passionately with my hand cupping her breast. We both liked that and I even squeezed her breast occasionally. Aunt Christine asked Mom if she was comfortable letting me feel her up. Mom replied that she was. Then Aunt Christine asked me if I had enjoyed it and if I wanted to do more. I did and of course I did.

That time the passionate kiss found my hand inside her dress holding onto her bare breast, however the camera couldn’t see that. So naturally in the next picture Mom’s dress was open and my hand was in her bare breast. Aunt Christine had me move my hand around a few times cupping Mom’s breast in various ways and with her hard nipple trapped between my thumb and first finger. The dress was then removed for more breast holding pictures and then nipple sucking pictures. Aunt Christine had me cup Mom’s pussy, put my finger into her slit, and to tickle her clit. Aunt Christine asked me to undress and pose with Mom. She had Mom hold my hard cock, kiss it, and then suck it. When I had cum in Mom’s mouth she just smiled, opened her mouth wide, and then she showed Aunt Christine the white creamy puddle on her tongue before swallowing it. We had to stop and get dressed before Uncle Bob returned.

That night when I checked my email Mom had written her fourteen-year-old admirer that she no long needed his services. The note was accompanied with a dozen pictures of her exposing herself behind me in Aunt Christine’s garden.

When I kissed Mom goodnight she informed me that I was to sleep with her from then on. She said that if she could give me a blowjob in front her sister that she could certainly let me fuck her…that is if I wanted too. You bet that I wanted too.

Then I asked, “Can we do it the first time with Aunt Christine taking pictures of us? That excited me this evening.”

Mom called her sister and told her of my request.

When Aunt Christine arrived, things became very organized in her mind. Mom and I got nude, we each used the toilet with Mom holding my dick, and then Mom douched while I sat on the floor inches from her crotch. We showered washing the other one and then we got on the bed. With Aunt Christine inches from Mom’s pussy I sank my cock down into her. It was simply amazing, Mom was nice and tight, and she was hot as hell. Loosing my virginity was much more special than I had ever imagined it would be. Aunt Christine let me fuck into Mom like that for a few seconds then she had Mom rest her ankles up on my shoulders so that I could really pound into her. When I had cum in her and pulled out Aunt Christine was right there taking pictures of my cum dripping from Mom’s pussy.

I quickly recovered, so Aunt Christine had Mom get on top facing me and feeding me her nipples to suck on. I came in her again but again I quickly recovered. That time Mom was on her knees with her ass high in the air and her breasts flat on the bed. I got behind her and fucked her doggy style until I came in her again for the third time. I was tired but when Aunt Christine offered to let me fuck her pussy my cock popped up like a rocket ready to take off. Mom giggled and Aunt Christine spread her legs.

Aunt Christine was four years older than Mom at thirty-eight, she had given birth to three daughters, and her husband fucked her every day, so I expected her to be more sloppy down there. However, it felt just as good. Mom had been taking pictures and was right there when I pulled out. The camera was handed to me and those two women got into a sixty-nine and started to swallow my cum from the other’s pussy. I enjoyed watching them, Mom told Aunt Christine to go home and let us get some sleep.

The next morning Mom phoned into work saying that she had a sick son to look after. She phoned my school and told them that I wouldn’t be in that day. Then she called Aunt Christine and told her to get her pussy in our bed as quickly as she could.

While we waited for Aunt Christine to arrive I told Mom that I was the other fourteen-year-old too. She was glad that I had found her pictures on the Internet and that I had contacted her. Then we posted a set of pictures from that garden blowjob. My cock was in her mouth and then my cum was on her tongue. The comments were incredible.

When Aunt Christine arrived she asked me if I would like to fuck my three cousins. Sure I would. Then she told me that she wanted to make a child porn movie of me taking their virginities on film. She said that she could make a fortune selling it over the Internet.

I fucked the hell out of those two women that day, just thinking about staring in a porn movie while fucking my three younger cousins.

The End